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Tales From The Black Cloud

by Cherry Blossoms

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1.
Monster 03:45
I’ve been turning into a monster Turning into something I don’t want to be So why don’t you just leave me? Tell me why you stay here instead of being free Sometimes I get too depressed To even just look you in the eye I’m so afraid that you’ll be disappointed My ego drives me insane The way it always has to take control Doesn’t it know the reason why I’m never sober Can’t seem to make up my mind My life has been fruitless as of late I’m standing on the edge of self destruction But then when you are around My mind seems to take on a different state I know it’s fucked up to use you as my anti-depressant I’m afraid I’m just a pity friend And all our times were just pretend Don’t leave me here I’m all alone I can’t hurt you ‘cause you’re my twin I won’t look back, just let me in I know it’s scary I know it’s scary...
2.
I don’t think I could hold on I can’t take it anymore The pain is too much to handle Yet I walk to your door Yet I walk to your door It hurts me when I’m around you Yet I look in your eyes It kills to know I can’t have you You make me want to die You make me want to die Summer time, I’ll tell you lies I’ll never say goodbye Loving you is hard to do But I’m willing to try It hurts, but I’m alive You’re there for me when I’m lonely Yet I still feel alone Who said that this would be easy? Just give a dog a bone... When I’m with you I start shakin’ Can’t you keep my heart from breakin’ You make me want to hurt you Just to see if you’re still human All this time I thought I’ve wasted I’m so close, yeah, I could taste it Just give me one good reason why I should even stay then...
3.
Lock the door and let me suffer ’til tomorrow You know life’s a joke. It’s only borrowed time Leave me stranded in the waves of mutual sorrow It’s just absolution for our earthly crimes Empathy can’t save me Happiness betrayed me I can’t remember who I was I don’t believe in who I am So where do I go from here? I’d like to know your definition of a saint Is he one who flatters you until he dies? A pretty face to help you cope with your dark feelings He’ll deceive you with his sympathetic lies I can’t remember your fears ‘cuz everyone’s suffering here Oh, everyone’s suffering here And I’m trying to find a way home But it’s so hard when the past never leaves you alone Tragic girl, there’s no one left here to protect you Was it smart to push away the ones you loved? Take me back, but I won’t hear you, I won’t listen As you cry I’ll turn and say “I’ve had enough” And as I wake up thrashing, smashing every bone in my head I’ve lost so much of myself waving my flag for you That’s my mistake Realizing the past is all you live for is something that I cannot take I won’t be with one who can’t move on I’ll throw my weapons down for you I’ll throw my weapons down for you A game that’s not worth playing A love that’s not worth saving I’ll throw my weapons down for you A voice of reason tells me things will all work out But it’s too late I’m too occupied defending what’s left of myself that I don’t hate Knowingly destroying what we have I won’t be breaking down for you I won’t be breaking down for you A game that’s not worth playing A love that’s far from saving I won’t be breaking down for you
4.
One day I was so depressed I couldn’t even speak No one asked me how I was so I disappeared for weeks She said, “No I’m never gonna leave you. I’m never gonna go No I’m never gonna leave you.” But she still left me alone. Monday nights when I’d come home I’d usually write a song Lying ‘bout the things we did and how we get along I don’t know what I’m feeling, I only know that it’s for you Noting the reactions even though they are subdued If you’re still hung up on him you’ll never know What you’re hiding when your feelings start to show Sometimes I’d look back on all the things I did for you Overcome with anger by the things you put me through You said, "No I'm never gonna leave you..."
5.
Can we be depressed together? I don't think I can take this pain alone With you, I had a friend But I failed you once again Is this how it always ends? With self-hatred, guilt, and paranoia Can we be in love together? Is it really that hard to comprehend? We've invested so much time, exploring each other's minds, analyzing what we'd find, and concluding that we're both the same Somewhere along the line we drifted apart I still don't know what I did I wish you'd tell me Because I'm tired of sitting here Like your sister on a bad day. Because I'm tired of waiting here... Can we be psychotic together? I don't think it's too late to crack a smile With you, I had a friend But I failed you once again Is this how it always ends? With self-hatred, guilt, and paranoia
6.
I used to think I was something I used to think that I had it all I used to think I had talent I never envied The Patriarch Until I lost you in the fire I couldn't control my desires You were my best friend You were my twin Was it a mistake to fall in love? With your support, I was everything Was it that I was just not enough? It hurts to lose you in the fire I couldn't control my desires Sing the songs in your head that we wrote when you said, "Let's try new things. No one will listen. Let's just do this for ourselves." It's so hard to move on I'll be empty when you're gone Death to me is so much easier Than pretending nothing's wrong I think I ruined the fantasy Seeing how real you are breaks my heart I miss the times when you were a dream Am I just trying to tear us apart? I never believed in The Martyr That died for your sins Why should I bother? I'm so afraid that this was a waste Three years of my life went down the drain You couldn't even give me a taste Just lead me on 'til I went insane I still think you're the one who could save me It just hurts that you chose to betray me
7.
I'm trying to keep myself together So I don't give in to depression's hunger I'm trying to keep myself together I used to hurt myself when I was younger I'm trying to keep myself together But it's so hard when you're not in control I'm trying to keep myself together I wanna reach you but I can't let go Now you're depressed and I'm your second man at best I've ignored your suffering and left your heart a mess Now I'm alone and my mom, well, she left home She broke up this family and turned my heart to stone I'm trying to keep myself together Not for my mother, but for me and you I've got to keep myself together 'cause you're the only one I'd hate to lose How can she keep herself together? She was my hero, now she's just a crone I'm trying to keep myself together But it's so hard when you feel all alone I can't turn back All that joy was in the past Erase all my memories I knew they wouldn't last But I've still got you And I know that you'll stay true Oh Juliette, there's so much that we've both been through Can't stand to think of her dating some other man If she finds someone else, he won't be my stepdad She lives in fantasy, neglected our dreams A perfect family? Well I guess things aren't what they seem Please believe me when I say she’s the one we ought to blame She really needs to find herself? I say she needs to get some help I’ll never come home. She won, I suppose What’s the point of showing love when all I end up is alone? I guess I’m fine when I’m with you Oh Jules, you know just what to do when I feel worthless or when I feel I just can’t go on You know, I’ve got to fight. I’ve got to live. I’ve got to learn how to forgive But it’s so hard when all the things around you crash and burn I’ve gotta keep myself together I’ve gotta stabilize my mental state I tried to keep it all together But it’s so pointless to propitiate I’ve gotta keep myself together...
8.
This may sound bizarre, but I’m still here because of you So don’t turn me into a joke for your need to be amused My mind is never free. I’m always trapped inside my head I need your help to get me out, but you’re too busy with the dead It’s something I just never figured out So I’m just wondering... Why do you hurt me the way that you do? Look, you’re still my favorite artist, but there’s these demons in my head That try to destroy everything and leave us hanging by a thread I want to know your fears, so I can turn them into art And maybe you won’t be afraid of all the feelings in your heart It’s something you and I could talk about So won’t you tell me... Why do you hurt me the way that you do? Oh, why do you hurt me the way that you do? The silent treatment burns more than being locked in a brazen bull Oh why do you hurt me the way that you do? I sit around and wonder if you think of me I think of all the times we tried to make believe I wave the flag and let you slay me A silent death as you betray me I wonder if you know what you’re doing I’m all alone in my room with my flask and I just need you here...
9.
What ever to happiness? We used to be so close, you and I Now we’ve become strangers trying to survive I don’t know what to do It’s so hard to talk to you I just want some answers, or half the truth Count me out I can’t move on without you near This bitter life and all the fear that comes with it It’s so crippling My friends, they try to help Sometimes they make things worse I thought I said, “Don’t leave me alone” I feel like a charity case Nobody takes me out For fear that I’d poison the air These years of giving love And not getting any back It’s finally driven me off the edge
10.
Please tell me your story You never really tell me how you feel I’m tired of second guessing Every time my heart begins to heal... How can I get you alone without them lingering around us? Don’t they have somewhere they have to be? They seem so boring to me Though I enjoy the times we spend together, I want more So won’t you put your arms around me? Tell me you’ll surround me with your love I remember crying on your shoulder Was that real? Something tells me I am on the verge of dying I can’t feel How could I know what love is when my mother taught me wrong? She hid so many secrets from me Destroyed my childhood memories I guess I’m saying that you and I, We both could learn together Make mistakes, have fights, then make up Save me from my mother’s tainted love I’m so grateful for your patience Though I’m hopeless, you still stick around I want to tell you everything about me Please don’t say that I’m a burden Please don’t look at me as "just a friend" I want to tell you everything about me Every flaw and every mistake Every scar and all that is great You deserve to know the meaning of true love
11.
I woke up so depressed. It's not fun And I don't want to hurt anyone No, I don't want to hurt anyone It's Monday, I should be excited 'cuz I get to spend all day with you Except I'm thinking of all the things we'll never do Juliette, I'm going crazy And I don't expect you to save me I just want you to hold me in your arms Juliette, I feel so damaged Lost, alone, confused, psychotic The sickness is a bitch It's bringing everybody down There are things I still don't understand But I still want to be your man if you could see through all my flaws It'd be a sin for me to hurt you So I'll do my best and try to keep you safe (from me) Forgive me for I'm only a mistake I sat in my garage with the engine on thinking, "how long 'til the fumes take effect?" But I don't want to die, not just yet You know you have the right to be cross with me There's no excuse for me to be rude Especially to someone like you Juliette, my mind's precarious That even Alice wouldn't dare look into it The fact that you've explored me makes my heart explode with happiness Juliette, I feel so guilty I don't mean to drag you down with me You know that you can let go any time you want There are things about me you should know I go through highs and many lows Though I'll stand up on my own feet I need your help to keep me grounded So I don't fall back on getting my revenge So I don't become the monster in your head I won't forget the things you do for me You've always been there hours of conversation in the dark Juliette, am I a memory that's good? Do I exist, at least in some form, in your heart? Don't let me jump off the bridge Please hand me my medicine Please hold me when I'm afraid Don't let me run way Juliette, I feel determined to fight the evil that's within me I think that we'll both get through this We still have time to make this year a good one

about

Love is supposed to be about your feelings for another person, but the hard truth is that it’s really about your feelings for yourself. Tales from the Black Cloud explores the self-centered nature of love and acknowledges that it is as much about one’s own self-image as it is about adoring someone else. And that can hurt like hell for both parties.
These songs are autobiographical, chronicling a time songwriter Chris Lopez says he didn’t want to write about, but felt he had to. He wanted the music to be “as unstable and unpredictable as my mental state at the time,” and it is. The songs on this album are their own unique beasts, with nontraditional structures that mix hard rock, acoustic balladry, and synth pop. There are hints of Johnny Marr, Brian Wilson, the Mael brothers, David Bowie, and even a little bit of ‘80s cock rock riffs, sometimes all within the same song, but they blend together into a singular, compelling noise. The vocal styles range from a whisper to a scream, tender pleading to frank anger. This is an album that needs to be listened to, not played in the background. Just when you think you know where it’s going musically, it shifts gears.
This album is the story, as Lopez puts it, of “the sad realization that nothing really went the way I imagined it would go. It represents my loss of innocence and the realizations that the heroes in my life are just as vulnerable as I am.” The protagonist wrestles with the desire to love and be loved and feels the pain that comes from realizing that the one he loves doesn’t quite love him back the way he wants her to. As much as it hurts, and as much as he knows “it’s not you, it’s me,” he can’t help but feel betrayed by her inability to respond to him in the way he wants her to. It may be because she still has feelings for someone else (“Tales From The Black Cloud”, “A Day in the Life of Danny Pink”) or it may be because his own actions have driven her away (“Can We Be Depressed Together?”), but that doesn’t make the pain any less, especially when she can’t or won’t be open about what’s wrong (“Ode to Insecurity,” “L’appel du Vide”). Or she may just not understand him as well as he thinks she does (“Early Morning Tragedy”). There are moments of ecstasy as the pair connect on a deep and intimate level followed by despair when the connection turns out to have been one-sided (“Patience and Ego in the Backyard”).
Tangential to the relationship is the narrator’s realization that his own struggles to preserve his mental health and to deal with the fallout from the unexpected crumbling of family relationships are coloring how he sees everything. He seeks refuge from his personal problems in his muse, but she has her own issues (“I need your help to get me out, but you’re too busy with the dead,” from “Ode to Insecurity”). On some level, he knows that he is using the relationship like a drug and hates himself for it (“I’m standing on the edge of self-destruction / But then when you are around / My mind seems to take on a different state / I know it’s fucked up to use you as my anti-depressant” from the album opener, “Monster”). She makes him feel better, but is that because of how she sees him or because of how he sees himself when he’s with her?
Simultaneously, his parents’ marriage is falling apart and he realizes that everything he learned from watching their relationship was wrong. His mother in particular is “the one we ought to blame / She really needs to find herself? / I say she needs to get some help” (“Familial Regress”). How much of his mother does he see in this girl? In “Patience and Ego in the Backyard,” he cries “How could I know what love is when my mother taught me wrong? / She hid so many secrets from me … I guess I’m saying that you and I, / We both could learn together.” At the end of the song, he makes the interesting observation that she “deserves to know the meaning of true love.” What is true here? Is it the traditional truth of their love for each other or the more complicated truth of seeing each other the way they really are instead of the way they each want to present themselves?
In the final song on the album, “We’ve Discovered Black Rainbows,” the narrator touches on the idea that he will have to hide parts of himself in order not to “drag you down with me,” yet she seems to be willing and able to embrace him, sadness and all. He closes the album with an optimistic observation: “I feel determined / To fight the evil that’s within me / I think we’ll both get through this / We still have time to make this year a good one.” That’s the thing about love, isn’t it? You open up your heart to someone else and you hope that person will accept everything about you and reflect the image you have of yourself back to you. Sometimes the reflection isn’t quite what you pictured even though they accept you. And that has to suffice. Tales from the Black Cloud doesn’t have any answers, only empathy. And that suffices.
- Villate McKitrick

credits

released August 12, 2016

All songs written, produced, and arranged by Chris Lopez.
Artwork by Juliette Lukasewycz.

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